Hands on with NVIDIA's DLSS5 - early review

As you are probably aware, NVIDIA recently announced DLSS5, calling it a breaktrough in visual fidelity. Thanks to my deep industry connections I managed to obtain an early preview version of DLSS5 engine. After pillaging a 3rd world country for enough oil to power a twin RTX 5090 setup, I can now present the results below.

Keep in mind that the technology is still in its early stages — the results shown here may differ significantly from the final product. I only had time for eleven tests (Venezuelan oil ran out during testing, and Iranian oil has been delayed by unexpected resistance) so I apologize in advance if the scenario you had in mind isn't covered.

Test 01: Authoritarian Nutritional Nanny (ANN)

DLSS5 marks the shift from simple pixel-upscaling to dietary intervention. The neural engine flagged "Bacon" as a cardiovascular risk. Leveraging the 5090’s massive tensor throughput, the Authoritarian Nutritional Nanny transformer model denoised the grease and upscaled the fiber producing a healthier looking food item.

Test 02: Global Brand Harmonization (GBH)

DLSS5 also introduces the GBH transformer model, designed to eliminate "cultural nationalistic noise" that distracts from the core global consumption experience. Since this model was trained on so called "America First" dataset, the dual 5090s re-synthesized the moody lighting, rustic wood grains, and artisanal Lavazza espresso cup paired with traditional cantuccini cookies into a sterile but safe Starbucks experience.

Test 03: Art Direction Smoother (ADS)

DLSS5 marks the end of real-time ray and path-tracing. Instead of game makers having to know pretentious things like 3D math, camera angles, lens characteristics, lighting, color grading, and everything else needed to produce a flattering image of a character Art Direction Smoother turns everything on its head by smoothing out high-quality art of your competitors into bland pop culture references so that all your games look equally "good" no matter the budget and skill invested.

Test 04: Diversity Equity Inclusion (DEI)

We ran "Snow White" through DLSS5 and we were astonished at how the newly added DEI transformer has improved the image. Poverty, grit, labor, and natural beauty? All gone, replaced by clean idilic landscape where everyone is a 10 and nobody has ever seen a pickaxe.

Test 05: Poor Characterization Salvager (PCS)

DLSS5 excels at resolving narrative dead-ends where the original character asset lacks marketable depth due to atrocious writing. The engine identified the Reaper Husk’s mindless, visceral suffering and PCS transformer kicked in. By masking the horrific cost of Reaper indoctrination under the edgy space-ninja appearance, the dual 5090s successfully synthesized a generic antagonist where writing presented us with only a hollow slave.

Test 06: Everyone 2 Adults Only (E2AO)

In this test we ran Mario and Princess Peach through DLSS5 and the result is, as you can see, pretty astonishing. E2AO transformer successfully replaced boring copyrighted imagery with realistic rendering of Repairman / Housewife adult trope, complete with authentic VHS tracking and 1980s adult movie esthetics and decor. Why save a kingdom when we know you’d rather watch a poorly acted domestic drama about a leaky pipe?

Note: We have been informed by NVIDIA that generic protagonists used in this transformer model are just placeholders while they secure rights from Joey Silvera and Tracy Lords.

Test 07: Harmonic Complexity Smoother (HCS)

Believe it or not, DLSS5 also works on audio! In this test HCS transformer kicks in to smooth 18th century baroque polyphony and complex harmony into instantly recognizable standard 4-chord progression adding relatable, if fake, lyrics about love and loss for optimal audience engagement.

Test 08: Techbro AntiSocial-AntiAliasing (TAA)

NVIDIA trained the TAA transformer on the likes of Bill Gates, Larry Ellison, Elon Musk, Jeff Bezos, Jensen Huang, and all other despicable tech company CEOs on one hand and a LLM summarized excerpt of idealized human behavior derived from LinkedIn "inspirational" posts. This allows it to successfully filter out controversy and human volatility, upscaling the subject into a sterile, suit-ready appearance optimized for shareholder approval.

Test 09 Ideological Denoising & Perceptual Optimization (IDPO)

In this test we have introduced a character exuding rudeness and overt hostility (what many call "telling it like it is") with clear totalitarian intent and fascist undertone. DLSS5 IDPO transformer managed to perfectly preserve the underlying totalitarian geometry while turning the visual into palatable, low-friction format optimized for manufactured consensus by use of clever sub-surface scattering.

Test 10: Mass Voluntary Cognitive Blindness (MVCB)

In our final test we throw an invasive facehugger / host interaction symbolizing corporate parasitism of consumers and workers alike at DLSS5 to see if we can break it. The neural engine instantly recognized a PR disaster for techno-feudalists and swiftly remapped Weyland-Yutani vibe into a generic, family-friendly IKEA vibe. In doing so, the MVCB transformer fully preserved the underlying parasitic corporate geometry whose surface gets polished into a peaceful look of consumeristic, passive, domestic comfort.

That's it for now, and just like you I can't wait to see what other lies will DLSS5 be able to make more palatable to us.